Get a Black Lab. We had one while I was a student at USD. If you met him off leash, your biggest danger was being delayed on your way to class by the puppy with the soulful eyes who wanted to be petted and a chance lick you hand.
However, he sure could bark up a storm when you came in the door of our small house off campus . . . until one of us shook you hand or provided some other signal that you were an honored guest. Then you had to be on the lookout for Mr. Affection.
When we brought a date home, he often tested her sense of humor, usually visiting his water bowl before laying his head in her lap hoping to be petted. The keepers were the ladies who could handle a wet lap with dignity.
It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.
-- Alice in Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland