December Humor

**340pd** · 12-14-2016, 07:45 AM

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?

I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

**AIRret** · 12-15-2016, 07:55 AM

Only a person in Texas could think of this:
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

"I doubt it", said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

**CPTKILLER** · 12-15-2016, 11:11 AM

Funny.

**ltxi** · 12-15-2016, 03:57 PM

Dat good!

**kenemoore** · 12-16-2016, 03:56 PM

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

**jeepster09** · 12-16-2016, 04:47 PM

His and Her Diary's

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong he said
'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he
wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I
love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid