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Thread: April Foolishness

  1. #31
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  2. #32
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    Night Out With The Guys!

    Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

    He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen....

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

    He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

    She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

    Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

    ‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  3. #33
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    Breakfast on the Farm

    A little boy comes down to breakfast:

    Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores" Not yet," said the little boy.
    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
    Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal." How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
    " Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ?
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  4. #34
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    Good ones, Jeepster!
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  5. #35
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    Apparently, there's another option besides burial or cremation that I wasn't aware of... maybe with a quiet, secret, midnight "ceremony" down at the river for ex-spouses??
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    Last edited by wyntrout; 04-23-2017 at 03:23 PM.
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  6. #36
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    Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.
    The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
    Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”
    He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”
    Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
    “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
    Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
    The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
    Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
    “Been in the business 60 years.”
    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
    Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
    The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”
    Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
    The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
    NRA Benefactor

  7. #37
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    As you all probably know United has had it's share of problems lately.. but now apparently they have definitely messed with the wrong guy !!

    "If we ever forget we are one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Ronald Reagan

  8. #38
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    Chuck Norris was born Sept. 1 1945.
    World War II ended Sept. 2 1945.
    NRA Benefactor

  9. #39
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    If the Israelites had smart phones back when..
    "If we ever forget we are one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Ronald Reagan

  10. #40
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    Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

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