June jocularity (no relation to Jocko)

[wyntrout]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[kenemoore]

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

[Ed M]

[340pd]

A wild eyed, older*(and quite ugly) woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.* I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?”**A female voice from the back of the room called out,**“You Need More Ammo Hillary!”*

[jeepster09]

Top 10 idiot sightings

---

#10.
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

#9.
When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey, 'I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

#8.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

#7.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

#6.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

#5.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

#4.
The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled,she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

#3.
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'down sizing,'
Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

#2.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into it self and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office.

#1.
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee -A?? NOPE
Lay -a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

[jeepster09]

Makes you go hmmm....

[ltxi]

Jeepster, you gots too much time on your hands. Please keep it up.

[GROTMAN]

Wasn't sure whether to put this here or on the Kahr Facebook thread. Perfect exp. of modern day relationships.

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,
Your Dad

[kenemoore]

The History of the Middle Finger:
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentalfricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. Didn't yew!!

[AIRret]

GROTMAN kenemoore you guys are GREAT!!

I'm forwarding these to "those" who get jokes!!