June jocularity (no relation to Jocko)

[Bills1873]

What a hoot! Great contributions!

[jeepster09]

do you know what these ...

---

....four things have in common......

A hurricane
A Tornado
A Forest fire
A Southern Divorce

Somebody's about to lose a trailer.......

[Armybrat]

Breaking: Feminists cry after woman wins election against rich white male....

[Bawanna]

All look like trannies to me, wonder if there's a connection.

[GROTMAN]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle,
where he has spent years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them, was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts,

"Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,

"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats

, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his
results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his
blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind
to each other, so how could he kill these
people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,

"My bike..."

[Armybrat]

Now I know where the term "sticky wicket" comes from...

[wyntrout]

Who invented the backup sensor?









Bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler? No. Then how about Mercedes Benz? No! It was a Chinese farmer!




Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes into contact with something.




Surprisingly it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology.It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Back-Up-Sensor was a Chinese Farmer.




His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch squeal when the vehicle backs into something.









Here's his first prototype.

[wyntrout]

I hope all of these are okay. I really laughed at some before finishing, but need to start cooking supper!

Subject: Fwd: IRISH JOKES!

...Just thought you might like a wee bit of Irish humor...enjoy!

Irish Jokes

An Irishman's first drink with his son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all Irish are drunks.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men....are men.

Irish Fun

Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
___________________________

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
___________________________

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
___________________________

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
____________________________

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
____________________________

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
___________________________

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.
____________________________

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck", says the Guard.

"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
____________________________

An answer I can understand.....

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
_____________________________

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
____________________________

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.
'____________________________

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
____________________________

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
_____________________________

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
______________________________ __

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

[jeepster09]

Lol...

[jeepster09]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.






The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.







While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.







They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.









The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'






__________________