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Thread: August heat....

  1. #1
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    Jan 2010
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    Default August heat....

    Hmmmm....what do you do
    Attached Images Attached Images
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  2. #2
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    Default

    [<a href=http://i43.tinypic.com/2n7fnux.gif target=_blank>http://i43.tinypic.com/2n7fnux.gif</a>

  3. #3
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    Being older!


    Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!!!

    I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

    I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

    My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

    Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

    I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

    The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .

    Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

    I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

    The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

    Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

    Old age is coming at a really bad time!

    Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

    When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?

    Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Central MN
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    1,295

    Default

    Image testing here.

    At one of the DC marches, one woman carried a sign that said
    :

    "I dream women will someday have the same rights as guns."





    Does that mean that this brilliant liberal wants...


    - women to be banned from entering school and college campuses?

    - women to be banned from any establishment selling alcohol?

    - women to be banned from polling places on election days

    - women to be banned from any official government group meetings?

    - all women to be banned from all airports?

    - you to have to pay a fee to the state before you can carry a woman on your person?

    - some women to be banned outright simply because they look too scary?

    - all women to be locked up at all times that they are not in use?


    Hmmmm.

    - Does she also think that all guys should have more than one?

    - That all women should come with silencers?

    Maybe this was not well thought out. (But, what "progressive" issues are?)
    "Never pet a burning dog"

  5. #5
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    Default

    [<a href=http://i43.tinypic.com/2n7fnux.gif target=_blank>http://i43.tinypic.com/2n7fnux.gif</a>

  6. #6
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    Feb 2017
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    A husband comes home and rushes to the bedroom. He pulls out his suitcase and starts throwing clothes in it. His wife walks in and asks what he's doing. He tells her he just heard there's an island in the Pacific where there are so many more women than men that there is a thriving male prostitution business. The wife takes out her suitcase and starts throwing her clothes in it. The husband asks, "Where are you going"? She responds, "I'm going to watch you try to live on $20 a month."

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
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    The Free Zone
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    I'm banned from telling dirty jokes

    But here's the result of a quick google search -

    IT’S SO HOT THAT…
    …I saw a fire hydrant chasing down a dog!
    …I went outside for a smoke and the cigarette lit itself!
    …I’m sweating like a politician on election day!
    …all the bread in the store is toast!
    … the cows are giving evaporated milk!
    … the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground!
    …you can make INSTANT sun tea!
    …your car overheats before you drive it!
    … you got condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl!
    …Lance Armstrong tested positive for water!
    …my Reese’s peanut butter cups turned into Reese’s peanut butter shooters…I drank ’em anyway!
    …my change melted into a medallion in my purse!
    …I saw a coyote chasing a jack rabbit and they were both walking!




  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
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    405

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by gb6491 View Post




  9. #9
    Join Date
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    Twin Cities MN.
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    Default

    THE DIRTY BIRD
    A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
    She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
    Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off color stuff."
    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s not so bad."
    A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.
    A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
    "New house, new madam, new prostitutes; same old faces. Hi George!"
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
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    Default

    A Pair of Parrots

    A young lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
    I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

    "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

    "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

    "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
    problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
    them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
    "My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and
    your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

    "Thank you!" the woman responded.

    The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
    His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
    The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.

    Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

    One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
    "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"


    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

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