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Thread: August heat....

  1. #11
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    Drinking, A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
    A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or 2, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s all the screaming about in there?" he yells. “You’re scaring my customers!”
    "I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket."




  2. #12
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    A little raw but very true.
    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded."

    The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few pieces left over."

    But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."




  3. #13
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    Two Wishes in Australia
    A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"
    The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
    So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
    A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half ... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
    This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
    "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch ... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
    The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket.
    As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know ... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
    "Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
    That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"
    "Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
    "That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
    "That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
    As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"
    The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pu$$y."
    "Life Member NRA"
    45's Rule...all others are wimpy!....

  4. #14
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    That was a great story and it kept me in suspense until the very last sentence. LOL

  5. #15
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    NOTE LEFT ON REFRIGERATOR

    My Dear Wife,

    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 yrs. old,

    can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

    Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact

    that I will be spending the evening with my 18 yr. old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

    Please don't be upset..............I will be home before midnight.



    When the man came home that night, he found the following note on the dining room table:



    My Dear Husband,

    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 yrs. old.

    I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 yrs. old.

    As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that,

    as you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also

    the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, is 18 yrs. old.



    As a successful businessman, who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand

    that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference............

    18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
    "If we ever forget we are one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Ronald Reagan

  6. #16
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    COFFEE AND TESTICLES]
    A guy goes into the Broomfield, Colorado Post Office to apply for a job.
    The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
    He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
    "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
    "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
    The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward
    employment."
    Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
    The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
    The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
    Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the
    regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
    Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
    You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
    10:00 am every day.
    "The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?
    "This is a government job," the interviewer says.
    "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
    scratching our balls.
    No point in your coming in for that."
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  7. #17
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    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    10,514

    Default

    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  9. #19
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    Aliens

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
    for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
    addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
    your leader."

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
    the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were
    you"

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
    there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
    haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
    Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
    leader or I will fire!"

    The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
    don't think you should make him mad."

    "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
    and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
    towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
    burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
    refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
    dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
    big green head.

    "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn
    near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
    and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
    travels, when a guy has a peni$ he can wrap around himself twice and then
    stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"
    "Life Member NRA"
    45's Rule...all others are wimpy!....

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by wyntrout View Post

    I showed this joke to my Hubby and watched him while he read it………..He sure spent a lot of time staring at his thumbs!!! Which made we laugh out loud!
    He then said what so funny? My response was; "read the rest of the joke!"
    Thanks for the laugh

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