November naughtiness

[GROTMAN]

NC State Trooper stopped guy on Harley for speeding. Not a major violation and he was thinking of letting the guy off with a warning but had to check him out.

What's your name?

Fred.

Fred what?

Just Fred.

“Fred what?” the officer insists.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me.

I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.

[AIRret]

One night at Cheers, a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers".

[ltxi]

^ I remember that now you done brought it up...

[Armybrat]

The late, great, and infamous Texas lawyer Joe Jamail conducts a deposition. Only Jamail's hands appear in the video (warning - colorful language):



Jamail's most famous case (unrelated to this video) was when he won a judgment for his client Pennzoil in a lawsuit against Texaco for about $8 Billion. Jamail's fee was $335 Million. When he passed away a couple of years ago, Joe's personal fortune was worth $1.5 Billion, making him the richest lawyer in Texas. He was known to frequently drop a lot of f-bombs in casual conversation - even in mixed company. The ladies of Texas learned to ignore his loose mouth, as it was just Joe being Joe. He was a great philanthropist.

RIP Joe, you were one of a kind.

I never met him, but did see him once in a while at the University of Texas Ex-Student's Center prior to some Longhorn football games years ago.

[jeepster09]

Atheist in the woods

---

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[Armybrat]

This Mallard Fillmore 'toon made me lmao...

[Slugnutty]

Back on January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. “So tell me..why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[jeepster09]

The Scotsman

---

A kilt wearing Scotsman coming home from the bar a bit drunk decided to take a wee rest under a tree. Soon he fell soundly asleep and lay there for a few hours, and while he slept a young lass passed by. Seeing the Scotsman laying there fast asleep she wondered 'was anything really worn under that kilt'? So she decided to take a peak and quickly discovered that indeed, nothing at all was worn beneath the kilt. Well she decided to leave a memento of her little intrusion so she pulled a silky blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around his manhood.
After a short while the Scotsman awoke having a great urge to relieve himself. Stepping behind the tree and lifting his kilt he discovered the blue ribbon around his *****, and in total disbelief said "Laddie, I don't know where you've been or what you've been doing, but I see you've won first prize"!

[jeepster09]

Do You Drink Beer?

---

Male Logic . . .

This is a conversation between a husband and his wife.
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?

[jeepster09]

Naptime!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AF_nfazQaek&app=desktop