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Thread: January Jocularity

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
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    Default January Jocularity

    On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
    So God agreed.

    On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
    And God agreed.

    On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
    Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

    Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
    "My God, Woodrow. It has been quite a party, ain't it?"

  2. #2
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    Jan 2010
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    Default Nice Beaver!

    Nice Beaver!
    Attached Images Attached Images
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  3. #3
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    Jan 2010
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    Default Back up alarm....

    Iíll bet you appreciate the back-up-sensor in your car. Therefore, I thought you might enjoy knowing a little history of its invention.
    Read below:

    Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.
    Who invented the backup sensor? I bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler, No, then how about Mercedes Benz?
    Or possibly the French or Italians.No! It was a Chinese farmer!
    Surprisingly it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology.
    It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Back-Up-Sensor was a Chinese Farmer.
    His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch sound just before the vehicle backs into something.
    Here's his first prototype...
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
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    N.C.
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    Default

    Damn I could feed the whole neighborhood Appalachian Oysters with that set!

  5. #5
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    Jan 2010
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    Default

    Shoot or don't shoot?

    A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

    While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

    For $100, the cabby agrees.

    Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.

    The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

    The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".

    "HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".

    "HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.."

    "HE paid for your Football season tickets.."

    "HE paid for our house at the lake."

    "HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."

    "HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."

    "And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

    Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

    The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold"
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    Default

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    Default How the wheel was invented.....NOT

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  8. #8
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    Sep 2013
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    Default

    A man's got to have priorities.

  9. #9

    Default

    Last night I heard a guy at the bar talking with his nephew. He told him about the dog that never looked as he crossed the railroad track. As the locomotive sped by it nipped the end of its tail. The dog turned to check out what happened and the wheel of the boxcar caught him by the neck. His point: If you're not careful, you can lose your head while looking for a little piece of tail.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    Default Refrigerator shoots back....

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid,,,don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

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