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Thread: Fantastic February...

  1. #1
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    Default Fantastic February...

    Sperm Donor

    85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  2. #2
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    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  3. #3
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    How to decide whom to marry (written by kids)

    1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    -- Alan, age 10

    -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    -- Kristen, age 10


    2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
    -- Camille, age 10


    3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    -- Derrick, age 8


    4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
    Both don't want any more kids.
    -- Lori, age 8


    5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

    -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    -- Martin, age 10


    6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
    -When they're rich.
    -- Pam, age 7 (Love her)

    -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    - - Curt, age 7

    -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    - - Howard, age 8


    7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


    8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    -- Kelvin, age 8


    And the #1 Favorite is .......


    9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
    -- Ricky, age 10

    __________________


    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  4. #4

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    A very sad day today. I come with a heavy heart to tell you all that after seventeen years of experience in the medical field and a lot of hard work, a dear friend of mine Jacob was fired after sleeping with one of his clients and now can no longer work in his profession and is possibly facing charges.

    Guys you have to focus on the prize. Do not throw your life away. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This is a real shame because he is very nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

  5. #5
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    Sold all my guns. I dislike firearms.
    NRA Life Member
    NRA Certified Range Safety Officer
    That notch in the rail is supposed to be there

    "Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man."
    --Thomas Jefferson (1764).

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  7. #7
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    Three women (Jessica engaged, Britney married and Bella is a mistress) are conversation about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. All three buy black leather tight costume, leather brassiere, stiletto heels and black masks for their eyes. After a few days, they meet over lunch to compare notes.
    Engaged Jessica says:
    The last night when my fiance came over, he found me in the black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He said, “you are the woman of my life. I love you”. Then we made love all night long.
    Mistress Bella says:
    I met my lover at hotel room and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and I tied my lover’s eyes. When I opened his eyes, he only could looked at me didn’t say a word and we had wild sex all night.
    Married Britney says:
    I sent the kids to my mother’s house.I excited about having alone time with my husband. Had the lights dim, candles going, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos heels and a mask over my eyes.
    As soon as my husband came to the door and saw me and said,”What’s for dinner, BATMAN?

  8. #8
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    The New Old Doctor

    An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic

    He put a sign up outside that said:
    "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

    So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: Aaagh ! -- "This is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.00

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
    Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  9. #9
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    The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
    “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
    “That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
    “It’s worse than that, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.
    “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
    “Thanks, Father,” said the old man.
    “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
    “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
    The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

  10. #10
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    Default

    !!!!
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    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

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