March Mayhem

[kenemoore]

Church bells....

---

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

“Oh, no, my dear,” replied Granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and said, “He’d still be alive if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Damn!

[ltxi]

There once was a mick
who reached for his wick
instead of the sweet jello
Whist sitting by Annette Funicello

Funny that is, but.....

[Bobshouse]

Funny that is, but.....

Annette would be slapping and clearing everything on the table if she could get them up that high at her age.

[dustnchips]

A married couple was abducted by Martians one night. This was an effort on the alien’s part to study the life and behavior of human beings.
Terrified, the couple agreed to help the Martians in any way they can as long as they were to be freed the next day. The Martians agreed. They only had one simple request. They wanted to know how earthlings had s.x.
To conduct the experiment, the earth couple was to exchange partners with the Martians. The male earthling slept with a female Martian while the female earthling slept with the male Martian.
When it was time for the male Martian to have s.x with the wife, she looked a bit disappointed. This was because the ***** of the Martian was very small.
“That is no problem,” said the Martian. He slapped his forehead and his ***** lengthened until it was of an impressive length. The wife was amazed.
“But it still looks very thin,” she said.
“That’s not a problem, either,” said the Martian. He then pulled his ears. With each pull, his ***** widened until it was of exciting proportions to the wife.
With everything at the proper size, they continued to have wild s.x for the night. The
morning after, the wife greeted her husband with a smile on her face and asked how his night was.
“It was terrible,” he said. “She slapped my head and kept pulling my ears all night. She was so frustrating.”

[dustnchips]

Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

[wyntrout]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.


A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays up his $50.


Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.


Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”


The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

[340pd]

A 'Republican' is Sitting in a Bar

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order
a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP
“Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is
a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that
everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not
for the 'Republican'."

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a
big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud
voice.

This infuriates the 'Union Boss'.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks
for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to
bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank
you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of
drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who
continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"

Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss
asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered
three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the
dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope," replies the bartender."He owns the place."

ADVICE TO DEMOCRATS, LIBERALS AND ALL LEFTIES:
WHEN YOUR HORSE DIES, IT’S TIME TO DISMOUNT.

[Bawanna]

I love that one.