AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS
AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown
Savannah night before last. Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am.
E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry
jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope
that you somehow come across this rather important
message. First, I'd like to apologize for your
embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was
not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my
girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a
Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my
birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very
evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon
when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!I know it probably wasn't fun walking back
to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your
shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from
calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us
again).After I called your mother or "Momma" as you
had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what
you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of
four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy
with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely
grateful!I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink
"pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side
of the car.Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening
phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible
target.The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had
a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number
etc.).;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for
not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far
more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well
as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing
issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect
upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to
pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a
good day! Thoughtfully yours,
Semper fi,
Alex