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Thread: July Joyride

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Round Rock, Texas
    Posts
    3,215

    Default July Joyride

    "My God, Woodrow. It has been quite a party, ain't it?"

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    4,198

    Default

    I was a bit disappointed till I looked down, and there WAS vodka...……………………………………………….

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
    Posts
    3,476

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    That`s How The Fight Started.

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...______________________________ __I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started....._____________________________My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...______________________________ __When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
    making beer.. Always something more important to me.
    Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, "When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp._____________________________My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...______________________________ __Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
    boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour
    . The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
    now with a different anticipation,
    and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"And that's how the fight started...______________________________ _My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.And then the fight started......______________________________After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
    for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
    for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pocketsand realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman thatI was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped
    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
    And then the fight started...______________________________ __My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."And then the fight started........______________________________ __I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
    That's how the fight started.______________________________ __
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
    as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  4. #4

    Default

    Glad to see that the shower bar was stocked with a good Texas whiskey.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    3,334

    Default

    My wife already thinks I stay too long in the shower but if I had one of those I'd never come out!
    God and Guns keep us Strong, it's what this Country was Founded on.....Well we might as well give up and run if we let um take our God and Guns...Lynyrd Skynyrd

    "Those who hammer their guns into plows, will plow for those who do not".... Thomas Jefferson

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    NE Texas
    Posts
    3,109

    Default

    do you have to turn the water on in that shower, or is that optional?


    jd
    ________________________________________
    ---------------------------------------------------

    It's not gun control that we need, it's soul control!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    10,660

    Default

    Rodney DangerfieldDecember 7, 2017 ·

    “With cigarettes, my wife and I, we made a deal. We only smoke after sex. I've got the same pack now since 1975. What bothers me is my wife. She's up to three packs a day.”
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
    Posts
    3,476

    Default

    Attorneys?


    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do..
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS:
    None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
    Posts
    3,476

    Default

    Clear Thinking Senior Logic

    I went to the liquor store Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Johnny Walker and put it in the bicycle basket.As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.So, I drank all the Johnny Walker before I cycled home.It turned out to be a very good decision,because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    10,660

    Default

    Today is a special day:

    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

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