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Thread: August absurdity

  1. #1
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    Default August absurdity

    "Never pet a burning dog"

  2. #2
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    Deep.....
    NRA Benefactor

  3. #3
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    My Lord that is ABSOLUTELY great!!!!!!

  4. #4
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    My sympathy resides with those that live there but,


    "Never pet a burning dog"

  5. #5
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    Absurd you say......

    So there's this horse, livin' on a nice little farm in Texas. One day he's eating hay next to the open window and he hears the farmer inside playing some Jimi Hendrix. Now the horse had never heard Jimi before and he's totally enamored. He used to play guitar in college and thinks "ya know what I could probably play a little like that"
    So he gets a job on a draft team and saves up enough for a ratty old strat, and after a little practice he's got a pretty nice sound. But, he needs a band. So he goes to his friend the pig, and tells him he wants to start a band. Turns out pig played some funky bass in college, and he's got a little nest egg from a favor he did for a spider. So he gets himself a bass and damn he got flow.
    So they jam, and their friend the cow hears and she's like "hey boys, y'all need a drummer? I don't mean to boast but I can play mean cowbell" and oh, oh can she. So they jam around, start playin' gigs as and saving money to get Bessie a proper drum kit. In the mean time they talk to a bunch of farm folk and settle on the ol' hound dog and his baleful howl as their singer. Suddenly, this isn't just a bunch of animals messing around-with a serious kit and some gear underwritten by farmer brown they take their act on tour.
    A few YouTube videos, some hype, their talent and human-to-animal controversy and all of a sudden they're a sensation. They go on a late night show and properly blow up. They get a deal to start doing new tunes. They get an albums worth of music for Columbia and a contract that would make them the richest livestock in the world (except the dog, he's still second to Pitbull) Everyone's ecstatic.
    Except horse, cause' all this music is poppy garbage and he's not having it. He wants it better, but the record company knows they're a flash in the pan and wants them touring now. Horse decides he's rich enough to not sacrifice his principles and leaves the band.
    Unfortunately when he tries to write his own stuff and become a breakout success he's held up by his horse brains. He realizes the band was all he had, but they've already got a randy snow-white stallion ripping it up. He turns where all drop-out musicians do-the sweet embrace of drugs and alcohol. But he keeps his chops up, hoping one day they'll call him back for a reunion tour.
    A few months later he's stumbling out of his south beach condo and sees a headline. "Terrible alps crash ends promising career of farm animal music act." Shock. Disgust. Self loathing, all washing over him like a waterfall. It's over, his dreams in tatters. What's left? Every friend he ever had was scattered over an impassible slope. And the worst part? They never knew how he really felt about them.
    He made the choice in his greasy bathrobe standing on his stoop. Walked to a drugstore barefoot, refilled his Xylazine prescription. Stumbled into an all-day liquor store and bought a pint of Glengolye black label. Sitting on a bench near the water, he swallows the whole bottle and washes it down with the whisky. He stumbles in a haze to his favorite haunt, 24 hour bar called Mike's place. He's fading as he walks in, stoping at the jukebox to put on "little wing" before collapsing at the bar.
    The bartender looks at the bedraggled guitarist before him and says "hey, why the long face?"..............................
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  6. #6
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    A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  7. #7
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    Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
    Man: "Yes!"
    Reporter: "Name?"
    Man: "Jocko."
    Reporter: "Sex?"
    Man: "Three to five times a week."
    Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
    Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
    Reporter: "Holy cow!"
    Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
    Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
    Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
    Reporter: "Oh dear!"
    Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  8. #8
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    A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  9. #9
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    A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darliní, Iím not horny Ė Iím just homesick."
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  10. #10
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    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

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