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Thread: August absurdity

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Location
    Missouri
    Posts
    125

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    I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
    This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
    I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
    She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
    I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
    Cost me 6 stitches...but,
    When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
    **********

    I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
    Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
    I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
    When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
    ***********

    I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
    I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
    Cost me a fat lip, but...
    When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
    **********

    I was telling a woman in the VFW about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
    "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
    I said, "Yesterday."
    Cost me a kick in the a$$, but...
    When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
    *********

    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
    **********

    I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
    I said, "Good legs."
    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
    Cost me 6 more stitches, but..
    When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    10,718

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    I remember this one, but here it is again. I just edited this because the relevant word was censored!

    Frank's skrotum



    The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

    She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his skrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

    "Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's skrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his skrotum should recover completely."
    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank."

    The entire congregation held its breath.

    "I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."
    Last edited by wyntrout; 08-10-2018 at 02:41 AM.
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    In the Colorado mountains
    Posts
    1,243

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    This is a little late but...

    I had no clue farm animals went to college! Guess you really do learn something new every day!

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
    Posts
    3,525

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    Police Work

    Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
    Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
    'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
    Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it midnight already?'”
    The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.
    The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best comeback line ever."
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Upstate, South Carolina
    Posts
    795

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    A guy goes into his Post Office to apply for a job.
    The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
    He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
    "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
    "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for a tour."
    The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
    Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
    The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
    The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
    Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you
    have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
    Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
    You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am. Plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
    "The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
    "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
    No point in your coming in for that."
    NRA Benefactor

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
    Posts
    3,525

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    Finally the time has come...

    Men parking with grill permission....


    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    4,215

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    ....
    NRA Benefactor

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
    Posts
    3,525

    Default Campaign season....

    Campaign season....
    Attached Images Attached Images
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
    Posts
    3,525

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    Heartwarming Attorney Story....Finally.

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding along in his big limousine. When he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
    stop and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you
    can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and
    six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

    Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  10. #20
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Central MN
    Posts
    1,400

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    Little Haroldattended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved fromhorse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, andchest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' Hisfather replied, because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that theyare healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said,'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
    "Never pet a burning dog"

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