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Thread: HoHoHo....it's December...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    Light Bulb HoHoHo....it's December...

    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! .

    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

    With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

    The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  2. #2
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    Default

    Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

    One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

    "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

    "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

    "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear”.

    “Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.

    Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

    The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
    "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  3. #3
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    A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

    She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

    “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

    “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  4. #4
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    How to wash a toilet

    This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

    4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

    6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

    9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

    Yours Sincerely,

    The Dog
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  5. #5
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    South Louisiana, East Texas, West Pennsylvania
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    Default

    [QUOTE=[COLOR=#00ffff]jeepster09;402764]How to wash a toilet[/COLOR]


    I think I injured myself on that one.

  6. #6
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    Default Sesame Street of Today......

    Sesame Street of Today......
    Attached Images Attached Images
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  7. #7
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    I believe that the real reason that the chicken crossed the road was to prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

  8. #8
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    Hollywood Squares:

    These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it...

    Q.. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive,

    is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q.. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  9. #9
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    Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.



    The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"


    Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"


    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."


    Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."


    The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."


    Jack took the money.
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  10. #10
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