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Thread: January Jollies

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    south east Michigan
    Posts
    2,155

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    Nothing going on between your "main" cyber wife and ....."ANYBODY"..........except...of-course the convict!

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Wet & Wild Pacific NW
    Posts
    32,466

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    Expect I have to tolerate him even with his background and history and such.
    Sounds like a swell fella anyhow, I like him. Not in any mano mano way ya understand.
    In Memory of Paul "Dietrich" Stines.
    Dad: Say something nice to your cousin Shirley
    Dietrich: For a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
    Cue sound of Head slap.

    RIP Muggsy & TMan

    "If you are a warrior legally authorized to carry a weapon and you step outside without that weapon, then you become a sheep, pretending that JOCKO will not come today."

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    11,459

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    OMG! My eyes are still running with tears. This is clean enough, I think, and very funny... just had to share it from Facebook!

    September 14, 2018

    THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK
    AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.




    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

    Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

    I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.

    Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

    I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me.

    The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

    I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

    This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

    The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh

    Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

    I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Upstate, South Carolina
    Posts
    1,377

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    OMG!!!!
    LMAO!!!

    Great one ^^^
    NRA Benefactor

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    4,420

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    Well, that sounds like fun. Where can I get some of this stuff?
    NRA Benefactor

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    11,459

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    Nair, or something like that will probably work! About the time his wife made an appearance, I was unable to see from the tears and uncontrollable laughing.
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Wet & Wild Pacific NW
    Posts
    32,466

    Default

    Did the Nair in the jewelry sack trick back in the locker room in junior high. Fortunately nobody ever got me back.
    In Memory of Paul "Dietrich" Stines.
    Dad: Say something nice to your cousin Shirley
    Dietrich: For a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
    Cue sound of Head slap.

    RIP Muggsy & TMan

    "If you are a warrior legally authorized to carry a weapon and you step outside without that weapon, then you become a sheep, pretending that JOCKO will not come today."

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    11,459

    Default

    This was funnier than the guy sticking the stun gun to his leg. This was the point I lost it... what an image:
    The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    11,459

    Default

    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.


    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

    He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.



    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”


    Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Twin Cities MN.
    Posts
    5,745

    Default

    One simple spelling mistake........

    I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip , and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say............

    Oh Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

    I wrote, "Hi darling , I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life , and I wish you were her!

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

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