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Thread: Fabulous February...

  1. #61
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    Jan 2010
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    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  2. #62
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    50 dollars is 50 dollars....


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    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  3. #63
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    south east Michigan
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bawanna View Post
    I'm not touching that and you can't make me, no way. My lips and fingers are sewn together. Mums the word from me.
    Your a smart Man Bawanna!

  4. #64
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    Vacuum Salesman

    Doris Mason, lady living in Ashville, North Carolina, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

    ‘Good morning, Ma’am,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in vacuum cleaners.’

    ‘Go away!’ said Doris brusquely. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money for new fangled contraptions,’ and she proceeded to close the door.

    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty,’ he commanded. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her dining room carpet.

    ‘Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’

    Doris stepped back and said with a smile, ‘Well let me get you a spoon, young man because Southern Electric cut off my power this morning.’

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  5. #65
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    Sep 2009
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    Jacksonville, FL
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    Chris KimeFollowJune 27, 2016 · CinchShare


    When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
    Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
    The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)is handy, but empty.
    You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
    In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake.
    You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold"The Stance".
    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN therewas no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more.
    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's stillsmaller than your thumbnail.
    Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
    The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
    "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
    It is wet of course.
    You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
    You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".
    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
    The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too
    At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
    You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
    You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
    You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
    A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
    Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ...........
    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!
    Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  6. #66
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Upstate, South Carolina
    Posts
    844

    Default Posted by a loving Wife

    During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!" 🎂
    NRA Benefactor

  7. #67

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    ^^^ Priceless

  8. #68
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    Sep 2010
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    5,939

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    Too funny
    The only thing better than having all the guns and ammo you'd ever need would be being able to shoot it all off the back porch.

    Want to see what will be the end of our country as we know it???
    Visit here:
    http://www.usdebtclock.org/

  9. #69
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
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    25

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    hillary to Satan. "You said I'd WIN!" Satan to Hillary "You said you had a soul!"

    KFC has a Hillary Special. 2 small breasts, two large thighs and a left wing.

  10. #70
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    Sep 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by swank View Post
    hillary to Satan. "You said I'd WIN!" Satan to Hillary "You said you had a soul!"

    KFC has a Hillary Special. 2 small breasts, two large thighs and a left wing.
    I like that one.
    The only thing better than having all the guns and ammo you'd ever need would be being able to shoot it all off the back porch.

    Want to see what will be the end of our country as we know it???
    Visit here:
    http://www.usdebtclock.org/

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