Anybody heard from JUNE....

[jeepster09]

Three redneck lies

---

-- The pickup is paid for.

-- I won this belt buckle in the rodeo.

-- I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

[ltxi]

Now that there is really good!!

[wyntrout]

An oldie:

This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy
died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them i n a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175
lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed
in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my r ight hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great
deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you
again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I l ay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry

[Bobshouse]

That wasn't a joke, it was my accident report.

[kenemoore]

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We actually save them up.
When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."
"To the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to the IRS.
And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[skiflydive]

On a similar vein...

A lifelong Mohel (the person who does ritual circumcision) retired one day with a plan to travel. A friend was visiting one day and the Mohel showed him a decent size box which looked full of Corn Flakes. He explained to his friend that he had saved up all the foreskins from his lifetime in service. He told his friend he was taking them to a friend, a luggage maker, to make him a suitcase for his travels.

A few weeks later the friend was visiting again and the Mohel brought out his new suitcase. It was beautiful but the friend said "My wife has purses bigger than that."

The Mohel replied... "rub it a few times. It turns into a 3 suiter."

[kenemoore]

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."
As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!"
and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what has probably been making her sick."
The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.

[jeepster09]

Why seniors never change their password

---

WINDOWS:


Please enter your new password.





USER:


Cabbage





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.





USER:


Boiled cabbage





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.





USER:


1 boiled cabbage





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces





USER:


50damnboiledcabbages





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.





USER:


50DAMNboiledcabbages





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.





USER:


50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveM eAccessNow!





WINDOWS:


Sorry,the password cannot contain punctuation.





USER:


ReallyPissedOff50DanmBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow





WINDOWS:


Sorry, that password is already in use.

[kenemoore]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Armybrat]

Five great ones in a row!

Good work, guys!