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Thread: July Hot Ones

  1. #11
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    Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

    The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

    The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

    Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

    The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

    The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

    The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

    The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

    The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  2. #12
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    NRA Benefactor

  3. #13
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    Here's a hot one for Colin Kaepernick.... he must have been doubly offended by Obama's 2013 Inauguration (look closely at the flags):

    A man can never have too much red wine, too many books, or too much ammunition
    -Rudyard Kipling

  4. #14
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    Jul 2019
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    Quote Originally Posted by kenemoore View Post
    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
    She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
    “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".






    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  5. #15
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    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  6. #16
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    Accident on the Freeway......

    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $2,000 an inch.”

    The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.”

    The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

    “I have,” says the man.

    “And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.

    “She has,” says the man.

    “And what is it?” asks the doctor.

    “We’re getting a new kitchen.”

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  7. #17
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    Shelby Twp. MI
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    I was chatting with my neighbor the other day out in our front yard. His big old German Shepherd was laying on the ground next to him happily licking his private parts. I pointed to the dog and remarked "I wish I could do that. To which my neighbor replied, "Well, if you pet him real nice maybe he'll let you".
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  8. #18
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    Then what happened......
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  9. #19
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    June 12, 2017

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
    The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$150"
    Man - "Sold."
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
    Boy - "$350"
    Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    The boy says, "$500"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
    I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
    USAF Retired '88, NRA Life Member. Wife USAF Retired '96
    Avatar: Wynn re-enlists his wife Desiree, circa 1988 Loring AFB, ME. 42nd BMW, Heavy (SAC) B-52G's
    Frédéric Bastiat’s essay, The Law: http://mises.org/books/thelaw.pdf

    Thomas Jefferson said

    “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
    and

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".

  10. #20
    Join Date
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    You no longer have to worry....
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    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

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