July Hot Ones

[kenemoore]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[CPTKILLER]

Funny!

[jeepster09]

Need to give your at a pill? Here is simple way to do it :=]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTFfsRtHgCE

[jeepster09]

Post Office application – A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don’t you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

[jeepster09]

Second opinion
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit…’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like to try on a new suit please…’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see now… Size 44 long should do it’ Joe laughed, ‘Wow, that’s right; how did you know?’ ‘Oh, I’ve been in the business 40 years sir!’ the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?’ Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure, why not.’
The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.’ Joe was surprised again, ‘You’re absolutely right, how did you guess that?’ ‘Been in the business 40 years sir.’ Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove! Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’ Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure, I might as well.’ The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… Size 36.’ Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘No way! You can’t wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!’
New suit …………………….$400
New shirt……………………$36
New underwear…………..$6
Second Opinion………….. Priceless

[jeepster09]

The Weatherman

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.The weatherman assured him that there
was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty,
you should return to the palace at once because in just a
short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on
my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The
King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it
will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in
the government and occupy its highest and most influential
positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date...

[jeepster09]

Blind Cowboy at biker bar

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'...

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

[jeepster09]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[jeepster09]

Marine Corps fighter pilot Shot Down.. Goes for it anyway!

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.


The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your t!ts, then?"


And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

[jeepster09]

My dog is a democrat....:=[

https://www.facebook.com/butch.soucy...1/?pnref=story