August Agggg....the heat is on!

[jeepster09]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

[AIRret]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

Your bad.....but funny!

[jeepster09]

Is your computer male or female?

---

A group of male computer scientists got together and said that all computers should be considered female. The reasons for this are as follows:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However a group of female computer scientists got together and determined that all computers should be called male, and listed their reasons:

They have a lot of data but are still clueless

They are supposed to solve problems but half the time, they are the problem

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

[jeepster09]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of
her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while
I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't
do it *******," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't
hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then
body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until
it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!






If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid