Nuttin' funny in September?

[jeepster09]

Ole, a farmer in Minnesota, needs a new milk cow, and hears about one forsale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm, and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.

He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts.

Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din't yah?"

Ole is surprised, since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip.

Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah now?"

Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."

[jeepster09]

WE ALL GET OLD IN THE END....


I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.

[wyntrout]

[Armybrat]

Jajajaja!!!

[jocko]

Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, A Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, Two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian all go out to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

You could have just said Italian, as we breed them all🧕🏾🧕🏾

[jeepster09]

Jocko was selling his bike.....

[jeepster09]

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to

fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful

lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a

distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's

bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement,
Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result… The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

[jeepster09]

At the regular Sunday morning service, father George announced that he was
Planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.
Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If father George stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.


Dmitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause!


Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If father George stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
Father George, blushing, asks her: "Maria, you're a wonderful and holy lady.


Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Maria's 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "F him."

[jeepster09]

Well....Jocko's at the emergency room.
Today was not a good day. He decided to try horse back riding this morning to relax. It turned out to be a freakin mistake!
Jocko got on the horse and started out slowly, but then went a little faster; before he knew it, they going as fast as the horse could go. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and he couldn't hold on. Jocko fell off, but his foot got caught in the stirrup.
The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging him and wouldn't stop.
Thank goodness the manager of the mall came out and unplugged the machine.
But then he had the nerve to take the rest of his quarters so he wouldn't attempt to drive the Batmobile, and told him to stay away from the handicap carts.

[Bawanna]

Good one!