Marching on....
SIMPLE TRUTH 1 :
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own .
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But none go up to the man, touch his peni$ and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the a$$hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULES:
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.
I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime! 
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