Marching on....

[340pd]

Harris.jpg

[Armybrat]

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/...covered-742928

Woman smuggles revolver into Missouri jail by extreme deep concealment.

[wyntrout]

Hey! Several people have smuggled full-sized S&W-type revolvers into jails with "deep concealment". Cell phones are popular, too. :-D

[jeepster09]

Monkey

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table … whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.

[jeepster09]

Conversation on a plane

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $HIT?"

[jeepster09]

Son playing with his new electric train

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you
ba$$tards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of
you ba$$tards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of
you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

[jeepster09]

Aunt Karen

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The teacher gave her third year class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to
Market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!”
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only ten chicks, and the moral to this story is,
"don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bailout over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the F*** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[BirdsThaWord]

Good (actually, great) one’s Jeepster! I laughed my butt off and sent those to my friends.

[Armybrat]

Same here!

[Armybrat]

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