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Thread: March misfits

  1. #1
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    Default March misfits

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    "Never pet a burning dog"

  2. #2
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    Beep beep......
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    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  3. #3
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    The Gay Ranch Hand

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

    "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

    The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

    Two o'clock and no hired hand.

    Finally, he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her and said the following:

    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off."

    Trembling, he did as she directed.

    "Now take off my boots."

    He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

    "Now take off my socks."

    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    "Now take off my skirt."

    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

    "Now take off my bra."

    Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.




    Then she looked at him and said.....




    "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  4. #4
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    Default

    .....
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    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  5. #5
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    A man can never have too much red wine, too many books, or too much ammunition
    -Rudyard Kipling

  6. #6
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    Default

    [img] [/img]
    "Never pet a burning dog"

  7. #7
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    Default

    ....
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    A man can never have too much red wine, too many books, or too much ammunition
    -Rudyard Kipling

  8. #8
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    Default

    ...
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    A man can never have too much red wine, too many books, or too much ammunition
    -Rudyard Kipling

  9. #9
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    A Caring Attorney

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, the lawyer said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

    The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

    Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

    Look at Congress -- over 400 Lawyers!!!
    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

  10. #10
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    Chains

    Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

    The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

    The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

    The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

    She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

    "Life Member NRA"
    I am addicted to brake fluid...don't worry I can STOP at anytime!

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